Thirty

I've noticed some dangerous behavior malfunctions on my part lately, and I see how deeply they are bothering A. These are habits I had issues with in the past, when I was married to X, issues I thought I had grown out of with age and experience. I have found myself lately becoming overly sensitive to almost everything A says and does, and it is making both of us crazy. Sensitive to really stupid things, because A would never say anything to intentionally hurt me, unlike X who pushed my buttons just to watch me erupt, so that he could feel all-powerful. For example, one night last week we agreed to go meatless for dinner, and have "veggie night". So while I whipped up and doctored several different kinds of canned vegetables- greens, beans, corn- A came home from work and walked in the kitchen, with a crestfallen expression and said "Oh, I thought we were having fresh vegetables" and I immediately became extremely defensive. I got ridiculously pissed off, slammed stuff around in the kitchen, and wouldn't talk to him during dinner. Why? What the hell was wrong with me? Just the night before we went through a similar routine. A came home from work, and earlier that day he'd sent me to a home improvement store to pick out a few ceiling fans that I liked, so we can redo the whole house. I took photos and wrote prices down, put everything neatly on one sheet of paper, and presented it to him that night. The first words out of his mouth were "These are sort of expensive" and I became so incensed that I ripped the paper from his very grasp and stalked off. We spent that night at the dinner table in silence as well. Two nights last week I acted that way, and no I wasn't PMSing so I don't have that as an excuse. Yes, I was in a bit of physical pain with my back and leg, but not enough to justify those unseemly temper tantrums. Poor A works a very stressful, very long day at his job and comes home to me, and I'm acting that way for no reason. He finally said maybe he should just work more hours so that he wouldn't be home to upset me. I don't know why I have been so overly sensitive lately, A did not say anything that warranted it. His remarks were not a personal attack against me, although I told him I felt he was criticizing my judgement- on the fan choices, on what I made for dinner. Realistically I know that's not true. A loves to tease and pick at me, but he does it with love and to provoke a smile from me, and I've always been good about taking it and dishing it back out. A and I have always had a very easy-going relationship full of bantering back and forth with each other, and that's part of why we love each other so much. But lately every time he picks at me about something, or even when he's not picking but just simply voicing an opinion, I feel attacked and chastised. A does not mean it in this way, I know him well enough to be sure of that. My brother-in-law teases my sister about things, like her weight, but I know he is doing it in a mean-spirited way. A does not tease me about subjects he knows I'm already sensitive about- like my weight or my house cleaning- but fairly harmless things, and he does it in order to rouse a bit of laughter from me. That's what he wants most of all when we're together- for me to smile like I used to. Instead it seems like we both always end up pouting in our own separate corners. I don't want that. My reactions, I know, are quite stupid and inappropriate, but it seems like the skin that grew thick against years of attacks from X, has suddenly started to wear thin again and every little thing A says and does irritates my nerves. A tells me every day, all he wants is for me to be happy again and to feel better, and I know he would give anything in the world for that to happen. I don't understand why I overreact when this very loving man opens his mouth to tell me something. Seems like lately it doesn't matter what it is he does or says, it's always the wrong thing. Or rather, I take it the wrong way. I know I am still fucked up inside from all the years of verbal abuse from X, but you would think that by now I would know that A is the total opposite and cherishes me and loves me and places me number one on his list of priorities. Just because I might think something, doesn't mean I need to open up my big mouth and say it. Especially when it hurts the most wonderful person in my life.