Thirty-Four

In an earlier post, I wrote about having an affair when I was married to X, an affair with a department manager at work who also happened to be a handsome younger man, one who was very attracted to me and I to him. The affair was the catalyst that I needed to finally give me the strength to leave X, to demand a divorce that was long overdue. Mentally and emotionally, I was no longer "married" to X, we had no type of relationship together, I hated even the thought of him. But physically we were still in the same house, though in separate beds. And legally we were still husband and wife. The affair that started at my office opened up my eyes, and made me realize that I was still a young, attractive woman and I had a future, a chance at a new life of my own making. I had been with X for so long, that I couldn't see beyond a miserable existence with him. I didn't yet realize that I could stand on my own two feet, live alone, support myself, and be happy once again. The first time I "cheated" on X, the first time I went to this other man's bed, I did not feel guilty. I felt elated. Not because of the sex itself, but because I felt free and uplifted and relieved. It was an act to break the bonds between X and I. I couldn't take it back, and I didn't want to. And I really did love this other man, even though he made no promises or commitments to me, because I was still married. And even after I told X I wanted a divorce, X continued to take it lightly, and refused to move out, thinking I was just being a silly cow and mad at him about something and blowing off steam, that it would pass. He didn't leave for four months, until I retained a lawyer, and then he knew finally that I was serious. During that time, I continued to see the other man, on weekends during the days because I would have to come home at night since X was still living there in the beginning. I could never let on to X about it, because we had to wait out a tremendously long year of separation before we could actually file for divorce. I wanted things to go as smoothly as possible. I could have easily brought X up on drug charges, to expedite the process and get a divorce immediately. But I was now living alone, my family 700 miles away, and X was just across town, bitter, in a small apartment, and angry at me. I wanted to keep the peace, I was living alone now for the very first time in my life. I was learning to enjoy it. I loved my job, I got a new pet, my parents had recently bought me a more reliable car, our bankruptcy was finally paid off, and I finally finally felt like a real adult, an independent woman for the first time ever. I learned quickly that I didn't need X- I could mow the lawn myself, could pay my bills, could take my car in and get the oil changed- and more than that, I liked living on my own, coming home to "my" house, with peace and quiet and no drama or fighting. My new man and I continued to date, keeping it hush hush at work. He lived 45 miles away, in another state, and commuted to work. Once X was out of my house, I would drive to my new love's house and spend whole weekends, days and nights, but always worried about X cruising by my house, wondering where I was so late at night. He had no right to know my business, but I was very afraid of him anyhow, of his possible reaction to me being gone all night long, of him challenging me. He still had keys to the house, and I hadn't changed the locks, like a fool. In the privacy of my own home I kept a journal about how much I hated X and how much I loved the new man. I hid it, even though I was living alone by now. But while I was out one day, X came into the house, rifling through my things, and found my journal. He took it, without me ever knowing it, and made copies of it, replacing it without me being the wiser. X did research, using my own written thoughts and feelings against me, figuring out who the new man at work was, running background checks on him, driving by his house, driving by our work to see if our cars were there. Finally, after many months, he confronted me with it and started demanding money from me! He said I was the one who wanted the divorce, not him, and if I wanted him to cooperate and go through with it, he wanted $20,000 from me! He knew I didn't have a pot to piss in, but he knew my parents had money and demanded that I get it from them, or my new lover, he didn't care where I got it. He said if I didn't, he would make trouble for me, wouldn't go through with the divorce and would drag it out as long as possible, he would bring me up on charges of adultery and demand the judge make me give him the house, my things, my money. I tried to threaten him back, telling him I would call the cops on him about his drugs, but he laughed in my face and said go ahead. He said he would break into my house, come after me, he would burn the house down around me while I slept and there was nothing I could do about it. He could kill me before the cops could even get there. I started sleeping with a large kitchen knife on my nightstand. At this point in time, the divorce was only 3-4 months away, and I backed off, telling X whatever he wanted to hear, making him whatever promises that he wanted, just so I could get the divorce. In the back of my mind, I knew how truly lazy X was, and how unlikely it was that he would go through with any of his threats. But I also knew how angry he was, and how his temper was and how out of control he could get sometimes. I couldn't take the chance. In all the time X and I were separated, the new man never came to my house because legally I was still married and we felt it was unwise to have him be there just in case X wanted to get crazy. My dad was so angry, he offered X an immediate lump sum of five grand to get out of my life and leave me alone. X refused, saying he wanted all of the $20,000 in payments of $500 a month for the next few years. I sent him one check, then a second one, and now the divorce was finally drawing near. I pawned my wedding rings from X before I even divorced him, there was no going back, no way no how. I used the money to take a long vacation with my new boyfriend. As the divorce date came closer, X now started to call me up crying, begging me to take him back. He sent me flowers at work, sent me long passionate love letters which made me gag to read them. He promised we'd finally go to the couples therapy I had unsuccessfully begged him to go to for years. When he saw that approach wasn't working, he quickly went back to his threats of violence against me. And in the meantime, the new man moved out of his house and into an apartment in another city, closer to me. When X did his "background" check, he got the old address for my friend, not the new one. My friend now lived in a gated community, with high security, and we felt relatively safe together on the weekends. I was still, of course, living alone in my old house during the week though. Finally it was time for the divorce, and it came and went without a hitch. X did not cause any trouble, and driving away from the courthouse parking lot that day, it was the very last time I laid eyes on X. But, he wasn't out of my life completely, as he started to make threatening phone calls to me, harassing me, saying that if he ever caught me and my boyfriend out together, he would kick both our asses, he would kill us. Other times he would call to brag to me about his new girlfriend, how great the sex was, how wonderful she was- was he trying to make me jealous?? I told him I was happy for him, that I didn't care anymore, just please leave me alone. I never paid him another dime, and he was filled with black hate that I was "going back" on my "word" about giving him money- I told him what did he expect, he had blackmailed me and fuck him, he wasn't getting another cent from me, I didn't owe him anything. My parents had made the down payment on the house, I had paid all the bills while he was unemployed, I had paid for his health insurance for many years including the year of our separation, and all our bankruptcy payments for five 1/2 years had always come out of my paycheck- to pay off his debt from a failed business venture. I owed him NOTHING! I changed my phone number and got it unlisted, and I never saw or talked to X ever again. He never once tried to contact me after that, and moved to another town nearby. That was many years ago, but I still feel my blood boil just writing about it, thinking about the situation. In the end, it didn't surprise me how X behaved, because he had been such a dick for the 13 years we were married. Why did I expect him to get through the divorce with any dignity and decency? He could never see the wrong that he did to me over the years, the terrible way he had treated me, he could only focus on the fact that I ended up cheating on him. More than anything, he told me, he was upset that I had "disrupted" his life as he knew it. He never once apologized for all the years he abused me emotionally and mentally, the times he came charging at me with his fists raised only to punch a hole in the wall beside my head, all the times he screamed at me what a stupid lazy bitch I was, all the times he got angry with something simple and would pick up furniture and bust it up- all to intimidate me and make me cower and make me obey him. He never saw that his behavior was unacceptable, that it had hurt me, that I had truly tried my hardest for years to make it work between us, that it had in reality, finally driven me away to find someone else, find another life without him or his fucked up ways. But I never once regretted my decision to get out of the marriage with X, even though the whole time we were dating the new man never ever once made me a promise about having a future with him. I was okay with that, I didn't ask for or expect a commitment, at the moment I only wanted to break away from X and once that was accomplished, I would worry about the future. MY future, one of my own making, one without X there to hover over me and terrorize me. And yes, that "new man" was A, the beautiful and loving and caring human being I am married to today. I think it all worked out for the best.