Thirty-Two

I am going to keep it short today, and try and not whine too much in this post, because frankly, I'm sick and tired of it. I sound like a fucking broken record. Another long day alone, it is A's regular poker night so he will be gone a total of about 16 hours today, I will see him around 11pm or midnight. At least I got out of the house for a bit today, even if it was to go to that lowest pit of Hell known as Wal-Mart. Instead of taking the direct route there, I drove way over on the other side of the town and took back roads, both to delay my arrival there and just so I could be gone from the prison/house for a longer time. God, I hate that fucking store, if I'm not stressed and depressed when I go in, I sure as hell am after I come out. I believe the WM behemoth has corrupted us all and dumbed down our society, and we have what I call a "Wal-Mart mentality"- which means we act and expect the cheap and stupid. But, it saves us money on the groceries, so I suffer the dirty shuffling people and screaming babies with snotty faces, and sullen cashiers and rude drivers in the parking lot, to go there. But all the while I'm there I have other things on my mind, like my mom's second bout with cancer right now. It makes me scared that I will be prone to it as well. She was only about ten years older than I am now when she got it the first time, and now she has it again, just a different kind in a different place. I know I don't take care of myself- I take a lot of medication and I eat like crap and I sit on my lard ass a lot, frying my brain with dopey TV, and I get very little sleep anymore. I am fat and unhealthy and depressed and beyond middle-aged already. Unemployment has only seemed to make worse what were already pretty shitty habits. Today I skipped breakfast, had a large fast food combo for lunch, and for dinner since I'm home alone it will be a frozen pizza and soda. I could just as easily have made a salad for dinner, but did I?? If I wasn't genetically prone for cancer, the way I live my life will surely up my odds for getting it. You would think that fear would kick my ass in gear to get into better shape, to take care of myself, to be more positive about life. And A, too, his habits are just as unhealthy- with his diet and lack of exercise. But at least he has a somewhat valid excuse, working 60 or more hours a week. He is gaining weight as quickly as I am, and we are both pathetically overweight and lazy. I am seriously stupid for not doing something about it, for both of us. I can't control what he eats at work for lunch (unless I pack it for him), but I can take better care of him when he is home, and I should feel the ultimate shame for not making him take control of his health. My mom lives six hundred miles away, so it's not like I can hop in my car and go check on her, I have to rely on phone calls from the family. A wants me to go and stay with her, but my dad said no, he's taking time off from work. Makes me feel like a heel, it's not like I've got a job I can't escape from. But I make a pretty sucky nurse, because I can't even take care of myself. Also today, I know it's the anniversary of 9/11 and I have done my best to ignore the news channels who will be dredging up the old footage. I don't pretend to understand how the families feel, but I personally do not want to continue to dwell on it. I remember it clearly the first time around. I watched it live on TV as it happened. I was at work, but we all ran to the cafeteria to watch it, a few hundred of us all crowded around the set in shock. I remember going back to my office, calling X who was (typically) unemployed at the time. He was still sleeping. I kept calling him to let him know what was happening, he told me he really didn't care and to stop bugging him. He never got his dumb ass up out of bed long enough to even turn on a TV. He was that much of a selfish prick. I was one of those people who sat for hours and hours in the following days, watching it endlessly on CNN into the late night. I saw some horrifying images that to this day still haunt me. I am normally not the type to get upset over something, like natural disasters or accidents, but at the time I was numb and in shock. But now, I want to move on. Yes it was awful, and look what has become of our once fine country in the years since. I don't want to forget 9/11, but I don't want to glorify it or dwell on it either.