Thirty-One

I see marriages crumbling around me with alarming frequency these days, and it makes me scared. Scared because, if these people who I thought were happy and together for such a long time can suddenly find themselves broken apart, then what does that mean for me? A tells me all the time, we are never getting a divorce, he is sticking with me no matter what. I feel the same way. But, I was married to X for 13 years and that finally, thankfully, ended. A has been married twice before, long ago when he was in his 20's. He was single for many many years before he met me, and he resisted making a commitment for awhile. We dated for well over two years before he finally asked me to marry him, and frankly I didn't think it would ever happen. Loving someone and dating someone is a whole other game compared to marrying someone. When we got engaged, we were both actually contemplating breaking up and had talked about it, but A said that one morning he looked across the empty breakfast table and realized he wanted me there, and he missed me on mornings when I wasn't at his house. Without another thought, that afternoon he went to the jewelers, had them custom make me a two-carat diamond solitaire, and shocked me with a proposal the next day at dinner. A and I married five months later, a small ceremony on the beach with just family. X and I eloped when we were in our 20's, and no one was there for me that day, and I always regretted it- it hurt my family deeply to know that they were not included on the biggest day of my life. Actually, X is the one who insisted, he said he did not want any family there with us, and I should have seen that as a red flag but I was too dumb at the time. But A is very close to his family, as I am to mine, and A actually planned as much of the wedding as I did. What man does that?? I would like to think that A and I have a strong bond between each other, but I think everyone feels like that when they get married- otherwise, why go through with it at all? I would also like to think that this is "forever", but I thought that with X, too. Last week one of my friends of over twenty years announced that she and her husband of about 15 years were separating. She said simply, "He decided he doesn't want to be married anymore." They are in their fifties, no children, both very smart people who run their own individual businesses. He had moved out of state for his business, found a house for them, took half of their pets and almost all of the furniture. She was to follow in the upcoming months, and put their old house on the market and moved into a tiny apartment temporarily while she wrapped up things at her own office. But now he's decided he doesn't want her to be with him- he will stay in his new town and she is no longer welcome in his life. What the hell? What happened? They've weathered many hardships together and never faltered, and now what changed? A's best friend and his wife of 15 years are now proceeding with a divorce- the man had to move out of the home he shared with her and their two sons, and now he is living with his mother, very lost. He even quit his job and started seeing a therapist, trying to figure it all out. Everything he ever did, it was for his family and their future, and now it seems to be suddenly gone when his wife announced she doesn't want to be married to him anymore. But I understand, I said those exact words to X one day, and although it was a complete shock to him, I had been thinking about it for a very very long time. So what I'm trying to figure out is, even when A tells me he loves me and he's in this marriage for eternity and he is happy with me- can I whole-heartedly believe him? I'm sure our friends' spouses told them the same things through the years. A and I are only seven years into our relationship, when does the shine start to wear off? When does he stop thinking I can do no wrong, and start seeing only my flaws? What would it take to drive him away one day? If I gain another ten pounds? If I spend another hundred dollars frivolously? If I go another month without finding a job? If I serve another crappy dinner, or go another week without cleaning the toilets, or keep ignoring the stink from the litter boxes? What will it be? Will he snap suddenly, or fume silently for months? I live in constant fear of it, because we've both already had failed marriages, and what's to say one of us won't screw up again. I'm sure most people don't go around worrying about their marriage falling apart, and I'm sure the thought never enters A's mind either. But it seems to shadow everything I do. I wear one of those inane rubber bracelets, like the Lance Armstrong one. Only mine has A's name on it, I've been wearing it for almost a year now, when I first felt things starting to slip away, in my brain. I wear it as an anchor, to keep me mindful in all that I say or do, to remind me that there is someone else depending on me, someone else who will either suffer or gain from my actions. Sadly I think my biggest issue is lack of action, when I have my bad days and I zone out and ignore the world around me and never get off the depressing couch. A can tell when he comes home at night if I've had one of these days, no matter how hard I try to hide it. I want to be a good partner for him, not a burden, because how long does someone want to have to shoulder the extra weight before it becomes too much to carry around day to day? I've got to find a job, get out of this house, at least then at night when A comes home I will have accomplished something during the day, I will have something to talk about when he asks how my day was, I will have a valid excuse as to why I didn't clean up the kitchen from the night before. These last few months have been the hardest in all my 40-something years, and the worse I feel, the more it brings A down as well. He blames himself because he is the one who put in for the promotion, although we made the decision as a couple. His job caused me to give up my career, my friends, my dream house, my hobbies, my old town. Now I sit around and have none of that. I still have A, but 2 hours a night on top of 12 or more hours home alone isn't enough. I would never leave A, and I don't think he would leave me, no matter what. But just because a marriage doesn't break up, it doesn't mean it's perfect and happy either.