Twenty-Nine

I want to blog here today, but I'm not sure yet what kind of mood I'm in. I'm still in a fairly decent mood from the weekend, but it is Monday morning and the long, lonely week is starting and I am already obsessing about it, worrying about it, looking for all the potholes and bumps and things that will steer me off course. Why can't I be positive? Why can't I look at Monday mornings as the start of the new week, a chance to get everything right, to make the most out of my life? I don't want to get in a shitty mood already, just because the weekend is over. I don't know why I am dreading the week, I shouldn't start to get into that mentality so early, on Monday morning, but it's like I am already anticipating the loneliness and the ill moods. Instead of being comforted by the knowledge that my husband comes home to me every night, I instead dwell on all the hours during the day I spend without him. A and I had a beautiful weekend together. He left work early on Friday, was home by two in the afternoon, and we headed off to the mountains where we spent Friday night at a casino and resort we love to go to. Well, he loves the casino, I usually just sit in the room watching TV or reading. And although it is still relaxing to be somewhere other than "at home", I was alone. He tried to cheer me up by going to one of the shops and buying me yet another $300 purse, to go with all the others he buys me, but sometimes I just feel like he is trying to bribe me into a good mood, forcing a smile on my face. I know he likes to spoil me, but I would have rather had his time on Friday night, instead of another new purse. A loves the casino, most of his free time every weekend is spent playing cards at one place or another and he's very very good at it, so I don't want to deny him his guilty pleasure. But at the resort, when he is downstairs winning money at the tables, I am alone upstairs in a plush suite just mindlessly staring at the TV. What a waste of "time together". Today the weather is stunning, it's so cool I have all the windows in the house open, so I can hear the birds singing, the bugs chirping, all the sounds of life and nature. I don't feel SO cooped up in the house with the windows open, so I am hoping this will start the week off on the right foot. I have an item listed on eBay that just sold for $650 this morning, and that should be putting a smile on my face, but instead of focusing on the money I have all the negative thoughts in my head about having to box it up, go take it to the post office, etc. How stupid. I always think negative thoughts, I don't know why. My mother is like that, maybe I got it from her, she drives my father nuts with it and I probably do the same to A. I am supposed to be heading off this morning to fill out a few job applications. Not because we need the money or because A told me to, but because I can't just keep sitting around this house. But the only things around this stupid hick town are retail/fast food jobs. I haven't had to work retail since I was in my 20's, and I really dread the idea of working nights or weekends, especially since my main cause of depression is not spending enough time with A. I know I wouldn't make more than minimum wage, and maybe not even get 40 hours in, so I have to ask myself is that worth giving up what little bit of time I do have with A. He is fine with me doing this, he is also fine with me staying home. He just wants me to be happy. He wants me to get out of the house, stop being so horribly sad all the time. I have been off the pain medication for about a month now, I had hoped that would help my moods, but apparently that had nothing to do with my depression because nothing has changed. I feel like my life is such a fucking waste- a waste of time, a waste of space on this earth. I have, on a normal day, at least 12 hours to myself to do whatever whatever whatever I want. I have the money, a car, no obligations at home, and I could be doing whatever I desire- creating art, going to the gym, taking cooking classes, going back to college, hiking, driving around endlessly, just living and trying new things. A even invites me to come up and go out to have lunch with him. But I do none of it, I hardly ever leave the house unless I have a household errand where I just absolutely must go into town. I have the money, but the one thing I want the most is more time with A, but A works hard so we can have all this money. A crappy vicious cycle, and there is the proof that money can't buy happiness, as old and cliched as that saying is. I get great ideas in my head- of something to paint or flowers I want to plant or a new recipe I want to cook- and it just gets stuck in my head and I never put it into action. A would be pleased to know I did any of those things, so I have started to tell him little white lies to make him feel better. Yes, I went to yoga class this morning. Yes, I applied for that office job online today. Yes, I called and talked to my mom. Blahblahblahblah. Whatever I can think of. I always want to start the week off on the right foot, and all weekend long, every weekend, I tell myself "On Monday I will..." but I never do. I really really never used to be this pathetic, I don't know what happened. I am so damn tired of feeling sorry for myself, why can't I be happy? More than that, I don't know how to fix my life. And, will running a cash register at Burger King really solve any of my issues?