Three

My first husband was a complete asshole, a bum, only I was young and I didn't realize it until too late, until he'd moved me 700 miles away from my hometown and my family. At one point I felt trapped, I felt as though I couldn't go back home, couldn't be the first one in my family to get a divorce. Then I eventually didn't give a damn about having that stigma, that reputation. I should have known better, our first date he took me to a sports bar then a nice hotel, and I let him. Our second date he took me to a sports bar, a cheaper motel, then told me he smoked pot. I can look back on it now, at my more mature age, and see all the warning signs. He said all women were whores- including his mother and sisters (gosh, guess that meant me too), he said all cops were crooks, all doctors were quacks, all lawyers were cheats, his boss was a moron- this would be every boss he ever had because he didn't keep a job more than six months. He believed he always knew more than they did, and that was why they fired him. All of his friends smoked dope, and when they one by one gave it up, he moved on to new friends where he could buy his pot cheap and off the streets. He cleared out the crawl space under our first home, so he could install grow lights and plant his own marijuana (this is where I put my foot down and started to grow something of my own- a pair of balls). I spent thirteen stupid, fucked-up years with this worthless turd, in my 20's and 30's when it should have been the best part of my life. He was proud to get fired from a job so he could collect unemployment, would laugh about it. Personally, I didn't find going down to the federal building to file bankruptcy one bit funny, and having the bankruptcy payments withheld from MY paychecks. I'm not sure how he was raised, but I was taught to work for a living, to pay your bills, to not stay beholden to someone else, to obey the law, to try my best. Blah blah blah, you get my meaning. But this guy, he thought collecting unemployment while working under the table for a friend was one big joke he was getting over on a corrupt government, he felt everything he was getting was owed to him because he worked for a year at some mediocre job then got let go. Okay, so I sound bitter now, but years ago while this was happening, I was the loving, supportive, and sympathetic wife saying it's alright honey you'll find another job- while I would go out and work two of them to try and pay our bills. He would be at home in his underwear, getting high, watching old cartoons on the couch. If only this were a dramatic exaggeration. I swear, I used to find reasons to hang around at work because I didn't want to go home to this scene day after day after day. In the beginning, when we were dating, sex was great and frequent, although even back then I found him to be a bit selfish and inattentive. As in, he wanted things done to him that he refused to do back to me. I won't be any more detailed than that. Once we were living together, it didn't take long for the sex to fizzle, and this would be on his part, not mine. Towards the end, it would be maybe twice a year, only if I begged, and normally he couldn't even finish- for himself. Yes, this is the truth. I used to think there was something wrong with me, but I honestly think the pot was the problem, as in he was smoking so much of it, it had left him either impotent or he just didn't give a damn. Girlfriends used to tell me, a man in his 30's in good health, he's got to be getting it somewhere and if it's not at home, then it's somewhere else. I always wondered if he was having an affair, and even after we were divorced he admitted he never ever had. Of course, at the very end, I used to pray he was having an affair, and that he would come home one day and tell me he was leaving me for another woman, and oh what relief and joy that would have been, because I would finally be free of him! I was sitting around wanting him out of my life, but hoping and waiting for him to make that decision for me so I wouldn't have to. I was a stupid stupid woman back then.