Eight

I am an adulterer, in the legal sense. I met a new man while I was still married to X. It was at the end of our marriage, I was miserable, I hated him, we didn't eat meals together, we slept in different beds, we barely spoke except to have screaming matches, he wouldn't give me any money from his paychecks to pay the bills, I couldn't even stand the sight of him. But we were still living under the same roof. I would come home from work and if he was there, I would go straight to the bedroom, put on headphones, dive into a book, walk on the treadmill, watch TV- whatever it took to avoid looking at him, talking to him, acknowledging him. X equally made no effort to connect with me, and that was fine as far as I was concerned. I was SO unhappy and anxious and upset, that for the first time in my life I had to go on high blood pressure medication because my body was severely out of whack. It was his fault. No, it was my fault for still being married to the creep. I wanted out, and many times in the last few years I had screamed at him that I hated him, that I wanted him to leave right now, that I wanted a divorce. Nothing ever came of it, he never even once headed for the door, because he didn't give a damn and he knew I wasn't serious. Maybe I wasn't on those other occasions. But then I met a new guy, and it was, shoot me for saying this, it was love at first sight. I didn't even know his name, but I loved him and it was strong, and the girl who sat in the cube beside me watched me looking at him at that first meeting, and she said you are going to have an affair with that man. I said, oh shut up, I'm married and I've never seen this guy before and I don't even know his name!! He just happened to come to my desk to give me some paperwork. But it was true, and three months after the first time I saw him, I started down a road in which there was no turning back. We started emailing, then flirting, and my friend teased him and would say she knew someone who had a crush on him and wanted to get together with him, and he knew it was me. At that point, I didn't know what I wanted, but there was something about this guy, who I barely knew and was so nervous to talk to that I would get sick to my stomach with anxiety at just the thought of walking over to his office. We made plans to get together, and then he said he couldn't do it, I was married and he didn't want to go through with it. He'd been married a long time ago, and he'd been cheated on and it broke up the marriage, and he didn't want to do that to another man. I was destroyed, I was half in love with this stranger, and I gathered up all my courage and marched to his office. What if I told you I was getting separated, I said to him. Well, that's a different story, he said. It was Christmas, he was going to be out of town for the holidays visiting family, I would be at home with X and my parents, who instantly knew something was wrong when they arrived for their visit. At this point, I had not told X that I wanted a divorce, for real this time, not just angry words shouted during a heated argument. But the thought of losing out on a chance with the new guy won out, and on Christmas morning, while X was still lounging in bed and rudely refusing to come be part of the festivities with my family, I went into the room and whispered in his ear- I want a divorce, and I mean it, and I want you out of the house by the first of the year. Sadly we lived in an ass-backwards state that required a year of separation before a spouse could file for a divorce. And what the hell is that all about, anyhow? Was the state government hoping that X and I would reconcile? They didn't know us, what the fuck did they care?? Didn't they want me to be happy? Didn't they want me to be rid of this jerk once and for all? Apparently the state did not care if I had to go through one more year of agony being married to X before I could finally cut him loose. But I meant it this time, and the thoughts of the new guy and new hope and new confidence- and a new future- finally gave me the backbone I needed to break away from X.