Nine

When I was growing up, all I ever wanted to be was a writer, a published author, and there was no other dream for me. I always wanted children but not a husband, and I got just the opposite. And when I got married to X, I stopped writing. He quickly sucked so much joy out of me, that I was no longer creative in any way. I stopped writing, I stopped painting, I stopped sewing, I stopped loving, I stopped feeling. Everything that I once loved doing, I lost my desire for. I literally did not have the capacity to feel any real happiness towards the end. But now X is out of my life, and I have not seen him since the day of our divorce. Nor will I ever see him again. I'm remarried, I'm in another state. There is no reason to expect I will ever lay eyes on him ever again. We did not have children, our parents only met each other once, our dog is long dead, we do not have friends in common, we had no properties or businesses together. Nothing, no ties, he is 100% completely out of my life, forever. Except I still carry around this anger and bitterness and loathing and hatred for him, and I've yet to let it go. And I don't know why, I can't figure out why I would even give him a moment of thought. He used to tell me I was evil. Whenever I didn't agree with him, or do things his way, or see things the same as he did, he would look at me and say, you are just evil. Evil evil evil. Yes folks, he did say that. What a complete dick, that's all I can say about it now. What man looks at his wife and calls her evil, just because she disagrees with him on some minor point? But that wasn't the worst of it. He called me fat lazy whore, worthless bitch, stupid. Those are the nicer ones, the names that I fondly remember. He would tell me he couldn't believe that I could hold down a job, I was so stupid. Now that I type these words, I am still in utter shock that I ever let anyone, especially a man, especially my husband, talk to me that way. But I stood there and took it, because he was my husband. And I thought, he's right. I am fat, I am lazy, I do feel worthless and stupid. I couldn't survive on my own, without him here. Gag!!!! I actively despise this man even though I haven't seen him in years, and I can't get it out of my head. I even Google him every so often, to see what I can find on him. Do I really need to see that he's started his own business, that he was listed in the local paper to report for jury duty? Does any of that really have anything to do with my life today? I guess maybe it does, because the anger I have for him for the way he treated me for years, the disgust I have for myself about staying with him during all of it, obviously affects the way I feel about myself even now. My current husband says to let it all go- I've already told him all of the horror stories about X- he says to see a therapist if I need to resolve it, but to stop dwelling on the past. He had a terrible marriage himself, and he's completely blocked it out, he's never mentioned it unless I bring it up and then he says, why do you want to ask me about something that happened twenty years ago? Maybe it's a guy thing, they live in the moment, they don't hold grudges, they just forget about it and move on. I'm not sure why I can't stop stewing in my own juices over X, when he is ancient history. Maybe I just feel he molded me, shaped me into my current personality. On the days I feel like a useless slob, is that really true? Or do I just remember X saying that to me, and I still believe it? Am I really a horrible monster for not cleaning the toilets often enough? Or am I just remembering the days when X would stand over my shoulder as I mopped the floors and tell me I was incompetent and that I needed to get down on my hands and knees and scrub? I think on some days his voice does echo in my head, I can still see his pot-blurred eyes squinting at me, as he poked a finger in my face and called me a stupid fucking bitch. My current husband is so different from X, they are really truly day and night. The current husband never calls me anything but baby or sweetheart or honey, and wouldn't raise his voice to me even on a dare, and the only time his hand ever gets near me is to pinch my butt playfully or hug me goodbye every morning as he leaves for work. I know what love is, and I know what a good man is, and I know what a strong marriage is. I know all of that now, finally. Why can't I forget the old bullshit I went through and the masochist who put me through it?