Twenty-Eight

Lately I have been struggling with trying to figure out what makes a marriage good. And what makes a good marriage a great one. I have lots of practice and experience on what makes a marriage bad. With the 13 years I suffered being married to X, it is very easy for me to now create a laundry list of what to do, and especially what not to do. Like, you don't push your spouse into the wall, you don't throw stuff at them, you don't sleep in separate bedrooms, you don't just dump them off at the hospital and leave when they're having major surgery, you don't force them to have an abortion or else you will leave them. That was life married to X. The 7 years I've spent married to A are a vast improvement because 1.- I'm a much different person now and 2.- He is not X. I would like to think that A and I have a wonderful marriage, even if we did meet later on in life when we were both approaching 40, and even if both of us already have failed marriages on our resume. I would like to think that the horrors I faced married to such an idiot like X, made me mature and grow into the person I am now, so that I can recognize and appreciate a fantastic man now that I have one. But I do have doubts, about myself, about keeping the home fires burning. When X and I split up, it surprised most people because they never knew how we were at each other's throats all the time. A few close friends knew, and they were ecstatic when I finally divorced him. But, no one really knows what goes on in the privacy of a couple's home. X was always charming and funny and brilliant out in social situations, but at home he was hell to live with and screamed obscenities and treated me like garbage. When I would mop the kitchen floor like a normal person- with a mop- he would stand behind me and yell at me about how lazy and worthless I was and that I should be down on my hands and knees with a brush, scrubbing the floor (true story, happened more than once). He told me over and over again I was a whore, that all women were whores. I asked him, does that include your mom and two sisters? YES!, he told me repeatedly. Wow, his dad, who was a chronic cheater, really fucked him up. X was once an ambitious man who was motivated and intelligent, and that's what attracted me to him in the first place. Hell, the man was SO smart he actually had a job interview at NASA, but was so stupid because he failed the drug test. Over the years I watched him spiral from a talented, lively, determined professional to become a burnt-out, drug-obsessed, aggressive, unemployed bum. My god, did I do that to him? Will I do that to A? Am I that much of a burden, am I that bad of a partner? Will I drag A down to my level, or is he strong enough to lift me up to his? It's hard for me to separate X's own failings as an individual from our cumulative failings in the marriage. Surely he didn't marry me and then suddenly decide that all women were whores- that thought was a deep-seeded, hidden fester that just finally exploded once he met me. Especially fat, lazy me who didn't even so much as look at other men, what was there to accuse me of? I remember how we dated hot and heavy in the beginning, in our early twenties, both still living at home with our parents. The minute we started living under one roof together, it was like someone had pulled a curtain down in between us. We had NO business getting married, but neither of us knew it back then. Sometimes I think I bullied him into it, gave him ultimatums, but then again I know how stubborn he was and no one, not even me, could ever make him do something he didn't want to do. He just wanted someone to cook for him and clean up after him, like his mom did, and I was awful at both. He wanted someone he could push around and control, like he did his mom, and I wouldn't put up with his bullshit, so that made him even angrier. He would get right in my face and call me an evil, conniving bitch who only wanted to hurt him (direct quote)- just because I wanted to watch something different on TV than what he wanted to watch (another true story)! Like I said, the guy had some messed up thoughts about women. Even though his parents were still married, it was obvious to me (now, not back then) that his father must have treated his mother like shit because X had big time issues that had nothing to do with MY behavior. He actually "paid" his mother once a month and told her to keep her mouth shut about his comings and goings. But there came a point, quickly, where we both just didn't give a shit anymore about each other, the marriage, our future. Just a year after we married, I was already thinking about calling it quits. But instead we just grew indifferent and somehow squeaked out a long, miserable 13 years with each other. He never would go to marriage counseling with me, I would make appointments then have to cancel them because he refused to go. Yet he was shocked when I finally told him I wanted a divorce, that I didn't love him anymore. I try to forget about my life with X, yet I want to remember it so that I avoid the pitfalls this time around. A and I seem to have lost a little of our sparkle these days, and I know a lot of it is my fault. He is still the same man, works hard, comes home to me. But since I have been drowning in unhappiness, I feel like I am taking him under with me. I feel like this move that we made, to further his career, has somehow ended up hurting our marriage. He works more hours than ever, has more responsibility, and I am more needy than before when I had a job and friends and hobbies outside the house. I am leaning on him too much, to fulfill me, and I think it's taking its toll on him, on us. And I want to stop the train wreck before it happens. We've gotten word that his best friend, who has been married to his wife for probably 15 years and has two sons with her, is now on the verge of splitting up with his family. His wife, it seems, is unhappy now and has asked him to please step back and give her some alone time, so that she can sort things out and decide if she wants to stay married to him or not. The friend is not surprised, he says they've been growing apart for some time now. I found out recently that my only sibling, who has been married to her husband for almost 20 years and has two sons with him, is having troubles in her own seemingly perfect marriage to the point that her husband gets angry and leaves the house for hours on end just to get away from them all. I know all marriages metaphorically hit speed bumps, not just out there in the busy streets of life, but in the parking lot at home as well. I know it takes hard work, and I'm prepared to do it, if only I had guidance and assignments to work on. Maybe I need to see a professional to talk it all out, I don't know. I told A that I don't feel as though we are connecting the way we used to, when we first met, and his response was to make plans and take me out of town this coming weekend. I would rather have sat down and discussed it, but it seems like every time I put voice to the unhappiness inside of me, A breaks his back to "do something" to fix it. I really just want to talk, to figure it all out, to make certain we are both on the same page. If A keeps jumping through hoops every single time I am blue, I'm afraid he is going to wear himself out, and get tired of me soon. And then what will happen? If he gets tired of trying to keep me happy, is he going to get tired of the whole marriage as well?