Thirty-Seven

Thank you MsP for your kind words, and I agree with everything you say. I have actually been feeling better, which is one reason I haven't been on here lately. Does that make sense? I have three blogs, and this is my blog where I like to pour out all the bad crap, complain, whine, have a pity party, get angry. I haven't felt those things lately, so I've not wanted to get on here and blog. My life has taken a drastic turn- for the better. How often do you hear people say that? Right now my head is spinning, and I've had problems absorbing it all and wrapping my brain around everything and putting my thoughts into words, but I will write about the events soon. But then I realized that, even though I seem to be feeling better on the outside and smiling more, is that really how I am feeling on the inside? I don't know yet, but very soon- days in fact- it will be put to the test in a way it hasn't been for years now. There are major adjustments coming in the near future for everyone in the house- me, A, the cats even. No, I'm not pregnant, I'm in my mid-40's for cryin' out loud. I am tired of being a big faker, a phony, smiling at everyone in public but having secret dark thoughts about life behind my hazel eyes. I want the two personalities to blend into one, into ME, a new and improved me I guess. I will soon have an opportunity to redeem myself and try to become that better person, that new person. I have never been suicidal, but certainly depressed and tired of my life and my sad moods and blue periods. I am tired of my mood being dependent on the weather, or A, or my hormones, or my weight, or whatever. I am ready to take charge of my moods and feelings, instead of them controlling me. I have been their plaything for far too long now, they've mistreated me terribly, and I am ready to cut my losses and move on to bigger and better things. I have been doing everything lately that I can think of, to try and improve my feelings of sadness and loneliness. I've been taking St. John's Wort (does it really work?), I've been taking something at night to ensure that I get plenty of uninterrupted sleep, I've been exercising more, reading more, getting outside to get more fresh air and sunshine. Perhaps these things have helped, perhaps I am just feeling better and attribute it to these actions. Does it matter? I read Winter Fawn, and I can't say that she reads me, but my heart breaks for her every time I read about her unhappiness- she seems so sweet and beautiful but she also seems so so sad. I realize there are many many many other people out there who feel life more deeply than I do, who feel more troubled, who feel less hopeful. Part of me knows that my feeling better is the result of my physical therapy, because less physical pain equals less mental and emotional anguish. I still go twice a month, and it gets better with every visit. I still have the bad days, where I hurt so much that I can't (don't want to) function much, but those seem to be very rare indeed, instead of ALL the time like before. It's a shame that conventional doctors only wanted to give me more and more and more medication and keep stabbing me with needles, only to have the pain grow over the years, no relief. As soon as I got away from traditional medicine, I found my answer, and of course my health insurance won't cover it because "therapeutic massage" is off the grid as far as they're concerned, even though it's the only thing that has worked. Whatever- what I'm saving now by getting off the SEVEN prescription medications I was taking for the pain- trust me the PT is a lot cheaper even when it's paid for fully out of pocket. I don't discount that my therapist is a big reason about why I'm in better spirits, because who wants to sit around in the comfort of your own home and still feel miserable? I still feel lost and alone on some days, but that will change very soon, and I'm going to try and write about that soon. I am happy that the humid, bright, hot summer is gone in our part of the world now. The cool breezes blow away my anger at humanity, it lightens the heaviness in my heart.