Twenty-Four

I am so very sad today, for many reasons. The weather- it's dark and blustery and raining out. My husband- he is home so little that I actually talk to my chiropractor more often than A. Life- today a bird got trapped inside our garage, and it died of terror and exhaustion, and I haven't stopped crying about it all day. Isolation- my only connection to the outside world is through emails and Facebook and my other blog. A is too busy to talk to me during the day, if he does call me it is a real treat but very short, because he's always so terribly busy at work. He still likes to check in on me, though, to see how I'm feeling, but sometimes I am just stumped for something to say to him. Imagine that, a wife who can't think of anything to say to her own husband. Not like I'm 12 and this is the cute boy from school I have a crush on, and I'm tongue-tied. This is my main man, my heart, my everything, the man I have slept beside for six years now. But I am just like, yeah, okay, whatever, when we talk. Probably why he doesn't call every day. Probably why sometimes he just reads the paper in the morning at breakfast, because I don't have anything to say. I know he would listen, as he always does when I need to talk, when I need to pour my heart and my thoughts out to him. Isolation sucks, and moving to a new city isn't as easy as just going somewhere and starting up a conversation with a stranger, and suddenly pledging our undying sisterhood and loyalty to each other. Yesterday in line at a fast food place, the lady who walked in with me talked on end about the beautiful flowers planted out front. Nice chat, but I am not going to be making friends with an elderly black lady at the Chick-Fil-A over advice on planting perennials. I was polite, and thanked her for her advice, and moved on. I've always had good friends, although I don't know why people even like me. But I've also always had a job, and had 40 hours a week to connect with people. When we moved in January, I left behind super wonderful girlfriends whom I adored, and who loved me back. I have a twisted sense of humor, and I am blunt and honest, and I don't take bullshit from people and I also don't dish it out. I am not a typical girly-girl, as far as gossip and margaritas and skirts and manicures and the tanning booth. That's not me. So the women I've been friends with over the years, were ones who accepted me for who I really was, and who appreciated me for it. I've always been an oddball, and I don't care, I even enjoy the fact that I am not a bloated, boring, superficial soccer mom. So, my friends have always been the non-mainstream type. One of the good friends I left behind had been divorced well over twenty years, and likes it that way. My other good friend was as sensitive as I was crass, but we seemed to all three balance things out when we were around each other. They email, they call, they invite me to come back and visit. But it's not the same. I miss seeing faces, hearing voices, even a light touch on the arm while talking over coffee, five mornings a week and sometimes at dinner out. I know whenever I go back to work, I will make friends. At least I hope so. Everywhere I've worked, I've made at least 1-2 good girlfriends. At least at the jobs where I stayed for awhile. I was at my last job for 8 years, and I was on top of the totem pole, and one of the boss' favorites. Everyone loved me, everyone respected me, everyone depended on me, everyone looked at me for answers. It was a hard thing to give up, I would have worked there until retirement, if I could have- I had finally finally found the place I belonged and the place I loved to be. But I gave it all up because I love A more than I loved that job. He pays the bills, with his six figures, not me with my measly hourly wage. How could I tell him not to accept the big promotion in favor of me keeping my lowly office job? A depends on me too, but the things he needs from me- cleaning the house, picking up his dry cleaning, running to the bank, cooking dinner- are not things I really want to be doing for even myself, much less for the two of us. I swear to all that's holy, if I was a richer woman I would hire a personal assistant to do all that shit, that mundane but necessary crap that is required by life. A may not have made good new friends since we've moved, but he actually lived in this town once before, back in the late 1980's, so he still has friends here from back then and they get together. Guy friends, no room for the little wifey, although he invites me occasionally (I politely decline). I don't think A realizes the depths of my loneliness, the pining that I have for my old friends, and my desire to make new friends. I tried once going shopping and to lunch with his boss' wife, but she was a dull, bleached, young, skinny mom and I had absolutely nothing in common with her. It was painful to make conversation, and that was months ago and she's never called me again. Guess it was painful for her, too. I don't need to go back to work for the money, although extra income is always nice, but I need it more to socialize than anything else. But with the economy, and this little country bumpkin town, my choices are limited. And I don't want to drive 40 minutes to the "big city". A has forbid me from working a retail job, because he wants me at home at night and on weekends, our only time together. He said what little bit of money I would make, wouldn't be worth us losing our few precious hours that we have with each other every week. And we do seem to go out of town almost every weekend, and Wal-Mart is probably not going to let me have every Friday night and every weekend off. So. I sit at home, friendless, quiet, watching the clock and counting the hours, the minutes, until A gets home. Some nights it's six, some nights it's after nine. I never know. I feel as though if I stay trapped in this house much longer, I really will go fucking insane, in the true sense of the word. A nervous breakdown. Can someone have a nervous breakdown and get overly stressed out, because they have too much silent, alone time on their hands? How can I be stressed when I don't do anything or see anyone all day long? I have to wonder about that. I do get out of the house. I see the chiropractor 3-4 times a week right now, I get a massage once a week from the same lady, every Friday morning I go to my weekly support group, I go to the same dry cleaner 2-3 times a week, I even joined a gym and met with a personal trainer. But, those are not places where I'm going to make a good friend. Those are acquaintances, and there's a huge difference. I am not going to strike up a long talk on a deep subject with the old guy on the treadmill beside me, you know? A doesn't understand why I'm not "meeting" people, and I look at him like he's gone bonkers. Meet people? At the bank? At Target? What, are you kidding? He doesn't get it. He also doesn't work here in the town where we live, he heads off north towards the super big metropolis near where we live. He barely spends any time here in our new "hometown", even on the weekends we go look for entertainment elsewhere. So, he doesn't realize how damn small it is here, and how there is nothing to do, and no one to do it with. My favorite hobbies are even ones I do alone- reading, painting, writing, sewing. Even our subdivision is dead during the day, and if there are people at home they must be deep within the caves of their own houses because I don't see anyone. The house beside us has been empty for six months now, the house on the other side has two white-haired old Germans living there who barely speak English, and across the street is an empty field because no house was ever built on that lot. Behind me are many many acres of woods. I even live on a cul-de-sac at the very very back of the subdivision, how much more isolated can we get? Oh yes, did I mention we are the only subdivision out here, on this long country road? I am surrounded by pastures filled with horses and cows, and a goat farm. That is isolation, truly. Gone are the days when a new family moves in and the neighbors all come over with fresh apple pies and baskets of cookies, to introduce themselves, to have a block party or BBQ. We all have our little cocoons, and most of us stay in them, and rarely do we let anyone in from outside our already long-established circle. I know it will be a long time before I have a good friend here, someone I can meet for coffee on Saturday morning, or go shopping with at lunch, or gab with on the phone at night about what happened in the office that day. Sadly, I am craving that so much right now. I would like to say that I'm basically an antisocial person, but now that I'm alone all day long, I am more miserable than I've ever been in my entire life.