Thirty-Three

Today I am trying to fight the good fight, to battle against the depression and anxiety and loneliness, to wage my war against myself. My melancholy continues, but instead of allowing it to wash over me and drag me out to sea with every wave, I am hoping to dig my feet into the sand and hold steady. I have so much good going on in my life, at a time when many Americans are drowning in despair and uncertainty and poverty. I am trying to focus on all the positives, instead of dwelling on the negatives. I have so much, I must ignore what I feel- rightly or wrongly- that I don't have. Instead of complaining about not spending enough time with A, I should feel grateful that my husband- unlike many others- has a wonderful, well-paying, stable job he goes off to every day- a job that he not only likes, but enjoys. His job, those long hours when he is gone, allows us to have a worry-free existence. When he is not here, I should stop counting the hours I am alone and instead be genuinely happy that he is not here sitting around the house with me, either unemployed or disabled or ill. It has been days upon days without the sun shining on me, literally. We have been covered in thick clouds for it seems several weeks now here, no rain, just dark swirling humid clouds that cover the sky but bring no much-needed rain. Add that to the heavy dark wood blinds that keep our windows covered- and the AC bill down- and I have spent days on end in heavy gloom. I turn on every light and lamp in the house, even light candles, but the small circles of artificial light seem even more depressing and only seem to illuminate my sadness. And still the air outside is heavy, oppressive, muggy, almost like a living thing that holds me down with its damp weight. I know autumn is on its way, and with it, relief from the summer season that I have come to despise all my life. I look forward to cool breezes and bright blue skies, colorful fall leaves and apples and local festivals. Summer has long been my enemy, and this year has been the worst of them in all my 40+ years. I count the days until the seasons change, hoping that my mood with shift with the falling temperatures. Many people suffer their depression in the winter, when they stay huddled up inside, the sunshine of the shorter daylight hours eluding them. Summer has, for me, always been a time to withdraw from the world outside, where I stay as close to a fan or AC vent as possible, where I remain still so that I don't sweat, don't feel hot and sticky and gross. I've always hated summer, even though being a southerner, I have spent decades in the heat, the choking humidity that makes hair damp and clothes cling wetly and zaps energy from my body and my brain. Summer is not a friend to the chubby. But winter is my favorite time of the year, when my energy returns, and I throw back the curtains and go outside. I long for it this year, whether or not my situation has changed. Whether or not I'm employed again. Today I raised all the blinds on all the windows in the house, and even though there is no sun shining outside, it has still made this house feel less like my cage and more like my sanctuary. Last night and this morning, I have been sitting in the rocking chair on the front porch and instead of feeling so alone on this dead end street out in the middle of nowhere, I tried to find peace of mind and a calmness, taking in all the silence. I can sit for hours, and not see one other person walk by or a car drive down my street. I see no neighbors in their yards- the stay at home mommies on my block are deep inside their own caves. I see only the tall growth of brush in the empty lots across the street, swaying with whatever wind is blowing, and I am suddenly glad there is nothing but quiet woods across the street from me. I hear nothing but crows cawing, bugs chirping, frogs calling, squirrels rusting in trees and bushes, hear the chatter of chickadees. There are no traffic noises, no human voices, only the occasional hum of our AC unit kicking on. Instead of wallowing in the self-pity of isolation, I am embracing the lack of man-made clatter and taking in the sounds of nature. How lucky I am to not deal with the echo of gunshots, the screams of fighting neighbors, the shrills of police sirens or ambulances, the earth-thumping stereos of passing cars. I know they are out there, somewhere, but miles and miles away from me, deeply entrenched here in the solitude of the rolling green hills and thick forests and small family farms. Nine months now I have been without a job to go to, left alone here in this big, empty tomb of a house. Long enough to have carried a child and given birth. Instead I have been carrying around pain and loneliness, pregnant with anger and bewilderment at my new surroundings, feeling almost betrayed and abandoned, when all A did was take a new job to secure our future. But I don't want to give life to those feelings anymore. Feeling this way has been a burden for me, a burden that sometimes overwhelms me to the point that A has to pick me up and set me back on my own two feet. It is time, overdue, to cast off this ridiculous cloak of depression I have disguised myself with lately. A disguise that is so great, I can't even recognize myself on most days. Where is the old me? It is time for her to come out of the shadows and back into the light.

Thirty-Two

I am going to keep it short today, and try and not whine too much in this post, because frankly, I'm sick and tired of it. I sound like a fucking broken record. Another long day alone, it is A's regular poker night so he will be gone a total of about 16 hours today, I will see him around 11pm or midnight. At least I got out of the house for a bit today, even if it was to go to that lowest pit of Hell known as Wal-Mart. Instead of taking the direct route there, I drove way over on the other side of the town and took back roads, both to delay my arrival there and just so I could be gone from the prison/house for a longer time. God, I hate that fucking store, if I'm not stressed and depressed when I go in, I sure as hell am after I come out. I believe the WM behemoth has corrupted us all and dumbed down our society, and we have what I call a "Wal-Mart mentality"- which means we act and expect the cheap and stupid. But, it saves us money on the groceries, so I suffer the dirty shuffling people and screaming babies with snotty faces, and sullen cashiers and rude drivers in the parking lot, to go there. But all the while I'm there I have other things on my mind, like my mom's second bout with cancer right now. It makes me scared that I will be prone to it as well. She was only about ten years older than I am now when she got it the first time, and now she has it again, just a different kind in a different place. I know I don't take care of myself- I take a lot of medication and I eat like crap and I sit on my lard ass a lot, frying my brain with dopey TV, and I get very little sleep anymore. I am fat and unhealthy and depressed and beyond middle-aged already. Unemployment has only seemed to make worse what were already pretty shitty habits. Today I skipped breakfast, had a large fast food combo for lunch, and for dinner since I'm home alone it will be a frozen pizza and soda. I could just as easily have made a salad for dinner, but did I?? If I wasn't genetically prone for cancer, the way I live my life will surely up my odds for getting it. You would think that fear would kick my ass in gear to get into better shape, to take care of myself, to be more positive about life. And A, too, his habits are just as unhealthy- with his diet and lack of exercise. But at least he has a somewhat valid excuse, working 60 or more hours a week. He is gaining weight as quickly as I am, and we are both pathetically overweight and lazy. I am seriously stupid for not doing something about it, for both of us. I can't control what he eats at work for lunch (unless I pack it for him), but I can take better care of him when he is home, and I should feel the ultimate shame for not making him take control of his health. My mom lives six hundred miles away, so it's not like I can hop in my car and go check on her, I have to rely on phone calls from the family. A wants me to go and stay with her, but my dad said no, he's taking time off from work. Makes me feel like a heel, it's not like I've got a job I can't escape from. But I make a pretty sucky nurse, because I can't even take care of myself. Also today, I know it's the anniversary of 9/11 and I have done my best to ignore the news channels who will be dredging up the old footage. I don't pretend to understand how the families feel, but I personally do not want to continue to dwell on it. I remember it clearly the first time around. I watched it live on TV as it happened. I was at work, but we all ran to the cafeteria to watch it, a few hundred of us all crowded around the set in shock. I remember going back to my office, calling X who was (typically) unemployed at the time. He was still sleeping. I kept calling him to let him know what was happening, he told me he really didn't care and to stop bugging him. He never got his dumb ass up out of bed long enough to even turn on a TV. He was that much of a selfish prick. I was one of those people who sat for hours and hours in the following days, watching it endlessly on CNN into the late night. I saw some horrifying images that to this day still haunt me. I am normally not the type to get upset over something, like natural disasters or accidents, but at the time I was numb and in shock. But now, I want to move on. Yes it was awful, and look what has become of our once fine country in the years since. I don't want to forget 9/11, but I don't want to glorify it or dwell on it either.

Thirty-One

I see marriages crumbling around me with alarming frequency these days, and it makes me scared. Scared because, if these people who I thought were happy and together for such a long time can suddenly find themselves broken apart, then what does that mean for me? A tells me all the time, we are never getting a divorce, he is sticking with me no matter what. I feel the same way. But, I was married to X for 13 years and that finally, thankfully, ended. A has been married twice before, long ago when he was in his 20's. He was single for many many years before he met me, and he resisted making a commitment for awhile. We dated for well over two years before he finally asked me to marry him, and frankly I didn't think it would ever happen. Loving someone and dating someone is a whole other game compared to marrying someone. When we got engaged, we were both actually contemplating breaking up and had talked about it, but A said that one morning he looked across the empty breakfast table and realized he wanted me there, and he missed me on mornings when I wasn't at his house. Without another thought, that afternoon he went to the jewelers, had them custom make me a two-carat diamond solitaire, and shocked me with a proposal the next day at dinner. A and I married five months later, a small ceremony on the beach with just family. X and I eloped when we were in our 20's, and no one was there for me that day, and I always regretted it- it hurt my family deeply to know that they were not included on the biggest day of my life. Actually, X is the one who insisted, he said he did not want any family there with us, and I should have seen that as a red flag but I was too dumb at the time. But A is very close to his family, as I am to mine, and A actually planned as much of the wedding as I did. What man does that?? I would like to think that A and I have a strong bond between each other, but I think everyone feels like that when they get married- otherwise, why go through with it at all? I would also like to think that this is "forever", but I thought that with X, too. Last week one of my friends of over twenty years announced that she and her husband of about 15 years were separating. She said simply, "He decided he doesn't want to be married anymore." They are in their fifties, no children, both very smart people who run their own individual businesses. He had moved out of state for his business, found a house for them, took half of their pets and almost all of the furniture. She was to follow in the upcoming months, and put their old house on the market and moved into a tiny apartment temporarily while she wrapped up things at her own office. But now he's decided he doesn't want her to be with him- he will stay in his new town and she is no longer welcome in his life. What the hell? What happened? They've weathered many hardships together and never faltered, and now what changed? A's best friend and his wife of 15 years are now proceeding with a divorce- the man had to move out of the home he shared with her and their two sons, and now he is living with his mother, very lost. He even quit his job and started seeing a therapist, trying to figure it all out. Everything he ever did, it was for his family and their future, and now it seems to be suddenly gone when his wife announced she doesn't want to be married to him anymore. But I understand, I said those exact words to X one day, and although it was a complete shock to him, I had been thinking about it for a very very long time. So what I'm trying to figure out is, even when A tells me he loves me and he's in this marriage for eternity and he is happy with me- can I whole-heartedly believe him? I'm sure our friends' spouses told them the same things through the years. A and I are only seven years into our relationship, when does the shine start to wear off? When does he stop thinking I can do no wrong, and start seeing only my flaws? What would it take to drive him away one day? If I gain another ten pounds? If I spend another hundred dollars frivolously? If I go another month without finding a job? If I serve another crappy dinner, or go another week without cleaning the toilets, or keep ignoring the stink from the litter boxes? What will it be? Will he snap suddenly, or fume silently for months? I live in constant fear of it, because we've both already had failed marriages, and what's to say one of us won't screw up again. I'm sure most people don't go around worrying about their marriage falling apart, and I'm sure the thought never enters A's mind either. But it seems to shadow everything I do. I wear one of those inane rubber bracelets, like the Lance Armstrong one. Only mine has A's name on it, I've been wearing it for almost a year now, when I first felt things starting to slip away, in my brain. I wear it as an anchor, to keep me mindful in all that I say or do, to remind me that there is someone else depending on me, someone else who will either suffer or gain from my actions. Sadly I think my biggest issue is lack of action, when I have my bad days and I zone out and ignore the world around me and never get off the depressing couch. A can tell when he comes home at night if I've had one of these days, no matter how hard I try to hide it. I want to be a good partner for him, not a burden, because how long does someone want to have to shoulder the extra weight before it becomes too much to carry around day to day? I've got to find a job, get out of this house, at least then at night when A comes home I will have accomplished something during the day, I will have something to talk about when he asks how my day was, I will have a valid excuse as to why I didn't clean up the kitchen from the night before. These last few months have been the hardest in all my 40-something years, and the worse I feel, the more it brings A down as well. He blames himself because he is the one who put in for the promotion, although we made the decision as a couple. His job caused me to give up my career, my friends, my dream house, my hobbies, my old town. Now I sit around and have none of that. I still have A, but 2 hours a night on top of 12 or more hours home alone isn't enough. I would never leave A, and I don't think he would leave me, no matter what. But just because a marriage doesn't break up, it doesn't mean it's perfect and happy either.

Thirty

I've noticed some dangerous behavior malfunctions on my part lately, and I see how deeply they are bothering A. These are habits I had issues with in the past, when I was married to X, issues I thought I had grown out of with age and experience. I have found myself lately becoming overly sensitive to almost everything A says and does, and it is making both of us crazy. Sensitive to really stupid things, because A would never say anything to intentionally hurt me, unlike X who pushed my buttons just to watch me erupt, so that he could feel all-powerful. For example, one night last week we agreed to go meatless for dinner, and have "veggie night". So while I whipped up and doctored several different kinds of canned vegetables- greens, beans, corn- A came home from work and walked in the kitchen, with a crestfallen expression and said "Oh, I thought we were having fresh vegetables" and I immediately became extremely defensive. I got ridiculously pissed off, slammed stuff around in the kitchen, and wouldn't talk to him during dinner. Why? What the hell was wrong with me? Just the night before we went through a similar routine. A came home from work, and earlier that day he'd sent me to a home improvement store to pick out a few ceiling fans that I liked, so we can redo the whole house. I took photos and wrote prices down, put everything neatly on one sheet of paper, and presented it to him that night. The first words out of his mouth were "These are sort of expensive" and I became so incensed that I ripped the paper from his very grasp and stalked off. We spent that night at the dinner table in silence as well. Two nights last week I acted that way, and no I wasn't PMSing so I don't have that as an excuse. Yes, I was in a bit of physical pain with my back and leg, but not enough to justify those unseemly temper tantrums. Poor A works a very stressful, very long day at his job and comes home to me, and I'm acting that way for no reason. He finally said maybe he should just work more hours so that he wouldn't be home to upset me. I don't know why I have been so overly sensitive lately, A did not say anything that warranted it. His remarks were not a personal attack against me, although I told him I felt he was criticizing my judgement- on the fan choices, on what I made for dinner. Realistically I know that's not true. A loves to tease and pick at me, but he does it with love and to provoke a smile from me, and I've always been good about taking it and dishing it back out. A and I have always had a very easy-going relationship full of bantering back and forth with each other, and that's part of why we love each other so much. But lately every time he picks at me about something, or even when he's not picking but just simply voicing an opinion, I feel attacked and chastised. A does not mean it in this way, I know him well enough to be sure of that. My brother-in-law teases my sister about things, like her weight, but I know he is doing it in a mean-spirited way. A does not tease me about subjects he knows I'm already sensitive about- like my weight or my house cleaning- but fairly harmless things, and he does it in order to rouse a bit of laughter from me. That's what he wants most of all when we're together- for me to smile like I used to. Instead it seems like we both always end up pouting in our own separate corners. I don't want that. My reactions, I know, are quite stupid and inappropriate, but it seems like the skin that grew thick against years of attacks from X, has suddenly started to wear thin again and every little thing A says and does irritates my nerves. A tells me every day, all he wants is for me to be happy again and to feel better, and I know he would give anything in the world for that to happen. I don't understand why I overreact when this very loving man opens his mouth to tell me something. Seems like lately it doesn't matter what it is he does or says, it's always the wrong thing. Or rather, I take it the wrong way. I know I am still fucked up inside from all the years of verbal abuse from X, but you would think that by now I would know that A is the total opposite and cherishes me and loves me and places me number one on his list of priorities. Just because I might think something, doesn't mean I need to open up my big mouth and say it. Especially when it hurts the most wonderful person in my life.

Twenty-Nine

I want to blog here today, but I'm not sure yet what kind of mood I'm in. I'm still in a fairly decent mood from the weekend, but it is Monday morning and the long, lonely week is starting and I am already obsessing about it, worrying about it, looking for all the potholes and bumps and things that will steer me off course. Why can't I be positive? Why can't I look at Monday mornings as the start of the new week, a chance to get everything right, to make the most out of my life? I don't want to get in a shitty mood already, just because the weekend is over. I don't know why I am dreading the week, I shouldn't start to get into that mentality so early, on Monday morning, but it's like I am already anticipating the loneliness and the ill moods. Instead of being comforted by the knowledge that my husband comes home to me every night, I instead dwell on all the hours during the day I spend without him. A and I had a beautiful weekend together. He left work early on Friday, was home by two in the afternoon, and we headed off to the mountains where we spent Friday night at a casino and resort we love to go to. Well, he loves the casino, I usually just sit in the room watching TV or reading. And although it is still relaxing to be somewhere other than "at home", I was alone. He tried to cheer me up by going to one of the shops and buying me yet another $300 purse, to go with all the others he buys me, but sometimes I just feel like he is trying to bribe me into a good mood, forcing a smile on my face. I know he likes to spoil me, but I would have rather had his time on Friday night, instead of another new purse. A loves the casino, most of his free time every weekend is spent playing cards at one place or another and he's very very good at it, so I don't want to deny him his guilty pleasure. But at the resort, when he is downstairs winning money at the tables, I am alone upstairs in a plush suite just mindlessly staring at the TV. What a waste of "time together". Today the weather is stunning, it's so cool I have all the windows in the house open, so I can hear the birds singing, the bugs chirping, all the sounds of life and nature. I don't feel SO cooped up in the house with the windows open, so I am hoping this will start the week off on the right foot. I have an item listed on eBay that just sold for $650 this morning, and that should be putting a smile on my face, but instead of focusing on the money I have all the negative thoughts in my head about having to box it up, go take it to the post office, etc. How stupid. I always think negative thoughts, I don't know why. My mother is like that, maybe I got it from her, she drives my father nuts with it and I probably do the same to A. I am supposed to be heading off this morning to fill out a few job applications. Not because we need the money or because A told me to, but because I can't just keep sitting around this house. But the only things around this stupid hick town are retail/fast food jobs. I haven't had to work retail since I was in my 20's, and I really dread the idea of working nights or weekends, especially since my main cause of depression is not spending enough time with A. I know I wouldn't make more than minimum wage, and maybe not even get 40 hours in, so I have to ask myself is that worth giving up what little bit of time I do have with A. He is fine with me doing this, he is also fine with me staying home. He just wants me to be happy. He wants me to get out of the house, stop being so horribly sad all the time. I have been off the pain medication for about a month now, I had hoped that would help my moods, but apparently that had nothing to do with my depression because nothing has changed. I feel like my life is such a fucking waste- a waste of time, a waste of space on this earth. I have, on a normal day, at least 12 hours to myself to do whatever whatever whatever I want. I have the money, a car, no obligations at home, and I could be doing whatever I desire- creating art, going to the gym, taking cooking classes, going back to college, hiking, driving around endlessly, just living and trying new things. A even invites me to come up and go out to have lunch with him. But I do none of it, I hardly ever leave the house unless I have a household errand where I just absolutely must go into town. I have the money, but the one thing I want the most is more time with A, but A works hard so we can have all this money. A crappy vicious cycle, and there is the proof that money can't buy happiness, as old and cliched as that saying is. I get great ideas in my head- of something to paint or flowers I want to plant or a new recipe I want to cook- and it just gets stuck in my head and I never put it into action. A would be pleased to know I did any of those things, so I have started to tell him little white lies to make him feel better. Yes, I went to yoga class this morning. Yes, I applied for that office job online today. Yes, I called and talked to my mom. Blahblahblahblah. Whatever I can think of. I always want to start the week off on the right foot, and all weekend long, every weekend, I tell myself "On Monday I will..." but I never do. I really really never used to be this pathetic, I don't know what happened. I am so damn tired of feeling sorry for myself, why can't I be happy? More than that, I don't know how to fix my life. And, will running a cash register at Burger King really solve any of my issues?